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Plant Research Group, University Department of Madness
Plant Research
Introduction
Why are plants evil?
That plants are evil is widely regarded as an inherently obvious fact,
but this is clearly not sufficient as a basis for scientific research.
We do not expect the reader to understand the full mechanisms by which
plants are evil, but the simplified explanation below might give some
first idea how this thesis can be proved.
Oxygen Production
The more intelligent readers might already know that the metabolism
of plants carries out a process called photosynthesis.
This mechanism enables plants to exploit light energy to convert
Carbon Dioxide (CO2) into Oxygen (O2).
As many researchers have shown, oxygen increases the chances of strokes
and is also involved in heart attacks. Oxygen was also involved in the
Three Mile Island Nuclear Accident
and is known to play a role in cancer cells.
Fact: Plants contribute about 99% to the total oxygen produced on
our planet!
Greenhouse Effect
A little known fact is that plants are a actually a main
contributor to the greenhouse effect! Thereby, contrary to
public belief, they do not help but worsen global
warming by producing methane. This has even been covered
in a recent BBC article. It should come as no surprise that the plants
have no intentions of signing the
Kyoto Protocol.
(Nor does the American President, who is - at the time of this writing -
controlled by the
White House Gardens.)
Nature tells us to destroy plants: Many animals have devoted their lives
to the destruction of plants, most of them have in fact evolved in such
a way that their main nutrition today consists of plants.
An arbitrary, but particular example for such an animal is the
cow, which does not only eat plants,
but - as an expression of disgust - even chews them twice.
In laboratories plants should be labelled with the above sticker.
Another recent topic of research is plant communication and evolution;
there are theories that plants also exist on
other planets
of our solar system, possibly even in other parts of the galaxy.
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Plant Research Unit, Department of Madness, Tennis Court Road, Cambridge, CB2 1QP, United Kingdom